A blessing

I have no idea how this will read, but here goes nothing.

As difficult as all my pregnancies have been, even after Duke, I knew we'd have another. The more Duke developed, the more tender and loving he became and I knew he had the capacity to be an incredible older brother. He was meant to be an older brother. He'll be the kind of brother that looks out for you, invites you to hang out with his cool friends, and gets that special birthday present for you. I just knew he'd be that kind of brother and I wanted to have another baby because I wanted him to be able to be that person I knew he had the capacity to become.

Before I got pregnant this time, I knew it would be hard. In fact, Cort and I prayed for months about doing this and every time we prayed, we got the same answer, "It's going to be awful, but it will never get any easier." I knew full well that we were in for a long fight, but in the back of my mind I sometimes thought, "ok, I can do this one more time, but what if this isn't our last and I need to do it again." Thinking about being pregnant two more times was enough to make me crumble. I knew I only WANTED to be pregnant one more time, but was I in the right to say, "that's enough. I don't want to do it again" when maybe that wasn't what was in our family's plan? It might sound crazy, but questions like this worried me, and then some. My greatest fear was to go through my life like normal, only to find out after I die there was someone else who was supposed to be part of our family, but we never knew them because I said "no more."

All three of our pregnancies have been physically straining, but this one takes the cake. I feel so many parts of my body being physically stretched to their limit. A majority of hyperemesis pregnancies end in abortions because they are so extreme, and not too long ago, hyperemesis was fatal to mothers. During this pregnancy, I have definitely felt, more than a few times, that my permanent health was at risk. My body was telling me, and I listened. She {my body} had given it her all, to house these little babes, but I knew she could never do this again. At the age of 27, she was at the end of her childbearing life. She had fought the good fight, and given more in 3 pregnancies than most would in 8, but I knew she was saying, "this is it for me. There's nothing left in the tank. This is all I can do, Hun."

And when I realized that was the final message, I cried.

I cried in relief and gratitude. My greatest fear of making a wrong decision had been made for me. By my body. With a wave of peace. And no guilt.

I was so proud of my body. She fought so hard and she gave it everything she had. We worked together to house these little spirits until they could live on their own. And the end results were some pretty amazing kids. Such a great team, she and I!

This knowledge was a precious gift from God, so I never had to wonder "what if?" He knew I had given it my all, too. And He was so pleased. Even as I toiled about whether or not to have this baby, I felt time and time again that Heavenly Father was letting this be my decision, and He would be happy with whatever I decided. I've come to know my Heavenly Father so much more through my pregnancies. Again, an odd thought, but it's been true in my case.

So that leaves me with saying this is our last pregnancy. And how wonderful and happy that makes me.

Hyperemesis gets worse with age, which is probably why this one has been more difficult. And maybe this was the reason Will came so quickly to us. Maybe if I had waited like I wanted, my body would have only been able to be pregnant twice. She needed all the youth on her side she could get. Things God and my body knew, when I didn't.

And on horrible days, when I can't move and lie still in my bed for mind numbing hours, I think, "But this is it. You'll never have to feel like this again" I can usually fight on for another few hours, or until my medicine forces me to sleep again.