One

My last baby is turning 1 tomorrow.

I'm really not a sentimental/nostalgic person at all, but I am having a hard time not being sad about him growing up. I don't feel any pull to have more children (the bakery is SO closed), but I realized today that the "baby" year was over. The year that I could just hold him for long periods of time. The year he could sleep in my arms or in the Ergo. The year he would just sit in his high chair and eat and be happy and not thrash around to get down. The year he had long hair that curled around his ears and neck. The year he had a cast and smiled with delight whenever he thumped it in the floor, making his own cadence. The year his cheeks were so full.

Since I know he's the last, I keep thinking--did I hold him enough? Did I just stare at him enough? Did I take enough pictures/videos? Probably not. There were too many nights that I had to rush Matty to bed, while the rocking chair sat empty in his room so I could get started putting the other boys to bed. Sometimes I couldn't just look at his dreamy eyes because other boys needed me, or Matt wanted to crawl around instead of being adored.

The pregnancy with Matt was the worst, by far, and while I was pregnant, I thought that as soon as I gave birth I would just burst into tears from relief that it was finally over. Man, that was a bad 9 mos. But as I think back on the last year, there hasn't been a day that I haven't felt that Matty was totally worth it. In every way. He is a being full of joy and happiness. He fills my heart. He's the sweetest boy to ever roam Texas. I joke that he's well on his way to becoming the nicest person on earth, just like his daddy.

I really can't say how much I love this little guy. He calms me, most days.

On to walking, and talking, and eating eggs. The big stuff.

I'm sad. I won't lie. But I have a feeling that Matt and I will always be really close and look out for each other. Always a good friend. And the idea of growing up (more) with him as we become better friends, is the silver lining in all of this.


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