Hyperemesis Gravidarum

I've been thinking a lot about what has happened to me in the last few months, and by extension, my husband and son, and have been overcome with a lot of different emotions. Anyone who has has serious health problems can tell you that being "sick" for an extended period of time can be very traumatic and some days I almost feel like I have Post Traumatic Stress (half joking/half not). So I've decided to write about it. All of it. And I'm hoping this can release a lot of tension, and other emotions that have been circling around inside me for the last 4 months.

Hyperemesis Gravidarum, or Hyperemesis, is the medical language for severe morning sickness. While nausea and vomiting occur in 70% of all pregnancies, Hyperemesis occurs in less than 1% of all pregnancies. I do not claim to be a doctor, or even having any kind of medical background, so whatever is said about this condition is just from my experience and what I've researched on my own. I do not in any way disregard other women's pregnancies, or the nausea they experienced, but strictly based on statistics, Hyperemesis is a whole different ball game for morning sickness, even if you "had it bad for 5 months". Its just a completely different feeling. It's awful. The best way I can describe it is to imagine how you feel right before you're going to throw up. You know, when you are just at the highest point of nausea you can take and you're going to burst (barf) because you just can't take it anymore. Imagine feeling that way every single day, all day long. Now, you must also imagine that you've been run over by a truck and you can't move your body because there is no amount of will power that can make your body move because you are that exhausted and your bones hurt that bad. And imagine feeling that way every single day, all day long. It would mess with your head, wouldn't it?

Because of the incredible amounts of vomiting, hyperemesis patients suffer from severe dehydration and malnutrition which can lead to other serious health problems. In my case, I was constantly being monitored for kidney and heart damage. My lips peeled off in massive chunks and my fingernails also flaked off due to dehydration. It was not uncommon for me to vomit every 10 minutes for hours on end. You just can't stop. You puke till there's nothing left to puke and then you dry heave until the cows come home. You body just rejects everything you put in it. I had multiple times where my esophagus was burned for several days due to vomiting so much acid. A lot of enamel has been burned off my teeth for the same reason.

Rapid weight loss is also a concern. I lost 20 pounds in 2.5 weeks during my first pregnancy and lost 17 pounds in the same amount of time with this pregnancy. My spine was bruised partly because I was never able to get out of bed, and also because there was no fat surrounding my bones to cushion them. My hair fell out in clumps and I felt and looked like a chemo patient. Like I had been through hell and back. This is also why Hyperemesis patients require a lot of hospital visits. They need fluids because they can't get them themselves. Statistically, Hyperemesis patients go to the hospital more than any other risk during pregnancy besides pre-term labor and their average hospital stay is 2-4 days. The fact that I only struggle with this for the first half of pregnancy is a miracle. Its not uncommon to have to be connected to an IV pole throughout pregnancy. This condition is so rare, I personally only know 1 other person who was diagnosed with Hyperemesis.

When I first suspected I was pregnant, I was afraid that I would be diagnosed with hyperemesis again and was so afraid I wouldn't be able to take care of Will. I prayed to ask the Lord of how I could do this? How could I be this sick and go to the hospital and still take care of Will? And I received a very specific answer that said, "People whom you know, and don't know, will look forward to helping you." I recieved some confort and hoped for the best but expected the worst.

And then the nausea hit. It was constant and not going anywhere. I told a few friends what was going on and asked if they could please help with Will. And then Camilla took over. Camilla is an angel on earth, and I guarantee she's also the most chic earth angel. She coordinated child care for Will for over a month and organized meals to be brought in every day and well as someone to come and help clean our house 2 days a week. It was a complete answer to prayers for Cortney and I and I really am so overcome when I think of how much service was rendered for our family in the last 4 months. I know that taking in an extra child is not always fun and can add a lot of stress. I was so worried I would be putting someone out by asking them to help take care of Will. Everyday, someone came to my door and picked him up, grabbed his carseat, and away they went. One day even 3 women showed up at my door, asking if they would watch Will! It was such a relief to know he was in good hands, but I still silently worried he was reeking havoc and climbing everywhere, or throwing food (his favorite activities), but every single time they came and dropped him off, everyone always commented on how good he was, that it was fun having him, and that he was so nice to play with and this made me so relieved. I'm sure none of these women knew I was so worried about this, but it was a small tender mercy that they all just seemed to know what I needed/hoped to hear. Will thought he was a rock star because everyone came over to grab him to so play somewhere else and it was a huge blessing that he was so willing to be away from me for so long.

In the meantime, I was alone. Completely. I was completely unable to take care of my own child, and that is a very harsh reality. It is probably the most awful feeling I've ever had--to not be physically able to take care of your baby, or hold him. I don't wish this upon anyone. It was awful and very difficult for me. I spent most of all my days in bed, trying to sleep, reading, and most of all, trying to forget about how sick I felt. It also goes without saying that this was a very difficult time for Cortney, as he had to take care of everything and more while he was essentially a single parent. It was stressful. We both needed help and compassion and couldn't give it to each other. I was too sick, and he was too busy. It was a difficult part of our marriage, and we essentially told each other "let's just get through this and we'll worry about our marriage after". So we were strictly in survival mode. Not that we didn't love each other, but I think we just needed to protect our relationship by recognizing we couldn't do very much to change our situation at the moment. We were both alone.

My mom called me everyday and I really appreciate her diligence as I always looked forward to talking to someone. I even looked forward to my nurses calling, just to have some interaction with someone. Other than regular calls from my mother, I was completely shocked at how little/no contact both of our families made with us during this time. And being perfectly honest, this hurt badly. I hope that when times get tough, family is the first to send words of encouragement. I've tried so hard to let it go and part of it, I have. But the other part, I just feel is inexcusable. I really can't even begin to describe what a phone call, or an email would have done to help me during that period of my life when I was all alone and hurting in more ways than one. Or a text or call to Cortney letting him know he's not alone in his efforts. It would have helped in so many ways. I learned a lot of life lessons during these last few months, and in this case, I learned about what kind of family member I wanted to be.

I also learned a lot about service. It is easy to do physical service--bring a meal, help take care of children, and clean, but its another level of service to be a friend. And I've also learned what makes a true friend. A true friend is someone who comes over and cries with you because you're just feeling so crappy. A true friend is someone who comes over every week to "just talk" while our kids play and not even bat an eye when I tell them that I'm just too tired to talk. A true friend calls you from the grocery store each time they go to see if they can pick you up anything. A true friend comes over to clean and then realizes that what you really needed most is to just have someone watch Oprah with you. A true friend stops by when they're driving through the neighborhood "just to see how you're doing". A true friend texts you and says, "I really felt like I needed to talk to you today, I have free time tomorrow, can I help you with anything?" Friends are answers to prayers. And I learned that I always wanted to look for service opportunities, because more than likely I could be the answer to some one's prayer, like my friends have been to me.

During the entire time of being "sick", I had an overwhelming feeling of guilt and I hated it. I felt guilty that because I was sick, so many other people were suffering. Because I was sick, I couldn't take care of Will and had to require a lot of helping hands to get through the day. Everyone seemed so happy to help, but I hated knowing that I couldn't do things on my own. Because I was sick, my husband had to take care of everything and fell into bed exhausted at the wee hours of the moring after doing 3 loads of laundry and going to the dry cleaners and grocery store, only to wake up the next day and do it all over again. I know it probably didn't effect Cortney and Will as much as I think it did, but it was still so hard to think of my family struggling because of my health. And know that I had no control over anything.

And now I'm almost back to normal. My welts from my pump are fading and I'm told I should be able to get rid of it in the next 2 weeks. Although, I have no stamina. Not doing anything for 3 months can really zap your energy! If I don't sleep the entire time that Will takes a nap, I can barely keep my eyes open by the time Cortney gets home from work. And I go to bed at 9:30, or else I'm toast the next day. My sleeping directly relates to my nausea. I started going to the gym again hoping that would give me more energy, but I walk 2 miles and feel like I could fall asleep for 3 hours because I'm so exhausted. But I will take exhaustion any day if I can still take care of Will. I hope I never have to go for another stretch of time where I'm unable to take care of him. I feel like our lives are slowly getting back to normal and I'm digging being "normal" again. Cortney and I are getting back to our normal routine and we're so looking forward to our cruise to make up for lost time.

I feel like I've been so "up and down" lately and I think I have been holding on to so many things from being "sick". It really takes a lot to just "let go" of a really traumatic experience, especially when you don't feel like you fully recovered from the last one. I feel a lot better after getting everything out between my pen and paper, rather my keyboard and computer screen. I'm ready to let go of the "sick" Amy (physically and mentally) and move on to just being Amy again. I've missed her over the last few months.

Unfortunately, I think this is my last pregnancy. If it's not, it will be for at least 5 years. I just don't think my body was made to produce children. And unless we have amazing insurance, it will be cheaper for us to adopt in the future. I pictured myself having a family and having that "pregnant" experience a few more times, but I'm just not sure if that's in the cards for me. And I'm sure that will be difficult for me as time goes on and my friends keep having children and knowing that I won't be able to do that again, but I feel really blessed that my health issues are not permanent and even through the worst of it, I was still blessed to be able to bear 2 children. I'm really thankful for these 2 little kids that have been sent to us and I hope we don't let them down. Maybe someday later when our kids understand what's going on, we can think about adoption, but for now, we just love our family of 4. We're all here to stay.