1/17/14

Another day with no pictures, and for good reason. Today was ugly. A lot of ugly crying from me today. A lot of praying and pleading too. I'm not even sure how to explain what was so awful about it other than to say that it was. There are unique difficulties and sensitive emotions for mothers who have children with special needs. And some days I just want to scream and cry and rip my hair out and give up. The task for me to teach them enough independence to be successful in this world in spite of their limitations just seems too unrealistic. Too insane. Too out of reach (like, I can't even see it to even try to reach it).

I felt like I was fighting a losing battle today in so many ways. And it seemed that the harder I tried, the more unhappy everyone was.

I went running this afternoon and listened to Nirvana. There's a song they perform on Unplugged called "where did you sleep last night?" and the way Kurt sings that final chorus gives me chills. It's so raw and haunting. I always say that his voice sounds like he's boiling gravel in his throat. It's incredible. Something about that rawness, that anger and the stretch in his voice in that song really resonated with me today, and I listened to it over and over on my run.

I might be the only person on earth to say this, but I don't like the weekends. They are very difficult for me. There is less structure, more demands for me, and that leads to many many more possible meltdowns from kids. I really really hope this will be a good weekend. Moms of special needs kiddos get me. They know how the difference between the structure of a school day and the lack of structure of the weekend can mean the difference between family bonding and family clashing.

But today ended far better than it began, so it's time I close my eyes and move on because today is over and I never have to relive it again. Thank Goodness.

Activities: Cort was a watchdog at Wills school. Duke played with Taylor and Alex at the park, and played play doh. Everyone went to the neighborhood park before dinner.